Can I turn a jackass into a champion?

How many of you guys have a stupid younger cousin named Andy who's a senior at a target school and is pissing away any chance of excellence by drinking moderately and having the confidence of a kicked puppy? All of you? Cool, so I'm about to tell you a very relatable story.

Andy's about to start his last year at [good school but I'm not telling you since this fucking kid's life is already bad enough] with a major in applied statistics and he wants to become a trader and crush it like me, which would be fucking tight, but I never imagined my protege would be a pimply kid who wears cargo shorts, who'd certainly still be a virgin at 21 were it not for some hideous goth girl from his Stratego group who clearly hates herself and her father.

My aunt (my dad's sister, Andy's mom) is cool though, and works on Wall Street, so we were getting a drink one night about a month ago and she basically got me drunk just so I would agree to let Andy come stay with me at the end of the summer.

Well, the weekend of his visit has finally come and gone, and now I'll share a snippet with you to warn you against making the same mistake I did.

Andy got to my apartment on Friday at 2pm, which is hours earlier than we agreed to, and he managed to get the doorman to let him in by crying. Dude started tearing up because he couldn't just go wait at aStarbucksfor a few hours.

My doorman is this gay Czech dude who probably thought he could take advantage of this noob's vulnerability. Unfortunately for him, Andy not only has no game with girls, but is TERRIBLE at getting hit on by anyone, which is why I made it my mission Friday night to try and get him laid. I thought it would be fun/funny because it's basically impossible, like teaching a dog to play the guitar.

When I got home later on Friday, I mixed him up some Woodford and Creatine, which he promptly barfed into his hand. I had to give him a Red Bull for chaser. This did get him perked up and a little looser with his verbal skills. We practiced. I said, "Andy, do you know how to ask a girl to come home with you?" He said, "Oh, uh, erm, ah, I dunno, I guess..."

God dammit, Andy.

He wouldn't agree to any coke so I snorted it all for myself and pretty soon I was practically carrying him into the club. I gave him a lecture about how bottle service doesn't get you laid, but for someone like him it would be like having a five second head start against Usain Bolt in the 100: probably not enough, but still, a significant leg up.

Three hours of drinking later, he was almost asleep, and therefore ready to have girls come over to the table. I picked out this 6-ish brunette chick with smeared eye makeup for him. Definitely in shape, but not a lady of high standards.

How can I tell, you ask? The Hair Theorem: For every separate hair color on a girl's head, she is willing to lower her standards by one point from her own level. Example: a woman who is an 8 and has just one hair color will sleep with a 7, but not a 6. This woman was a 6, but had four different colors of nasty chunky highlights, which meant she would go for a 2, luckily for Andy.

Anyway, Jesus, to make a long story short, Andy tried to bed her by telling her I had coke, which is an absolute dick move, but I did send the message that all's fair in love and war. The three of us went back to my place, she swallowed $200 of my Vegas winnings up her nose holes, and then took a 30 minute shower during which Andy passed out on the couch. I had to get her an Uber and she used three towels.

Fuck Andy. On the way to Grand Central he asked me if I would write him a letter of recommendation. I told him I would think about it if he could shape the fuck up before graduation. I wrote him a shopping list with Shake Weight, "The Game," and a single decent fucking pair of pants on it.

In conclusion, I'm not trying to make this kid my personal project, but I am not a fucking pussy when it comes to a challenge, so I'm conflicted. What are some additional resources to turn a zero into a hero? (I wouldn't know; I've been a 10 since pre-K)

Mod Note (Andy): Best of 2016, this post ranks #34 for the past year